Shame In Being the First

I was born 1 out of 13 children in a family. My mother, was 1 out of 16 children. I come from a huge family. Even though there are many of us, only 4 of the 13 children my mother gave birth to, were born in the U.S. I being one of the U.S. born, was told to learn as much as I could in school because my parents never went past 3rd grade in elementary school. My grandfather was one tough man to deal with. He had the patriarchal disease. He had to run everything and everyone in the family. He would rather my uncles and aunts go to work and bring in the money than seeing them educate themselves. He woulds say, "Ustedes no van a comer con letras, con dinero se come!" So my mother would do just that. She married at 16 to an abusive man. He wasnt abusive at first became so on the night of the honeymoon. She had 9 children with him and then decided to come to the United States. She new that she had to do it for her children and for herself. She left her kids with her husband and his mother. When she came to the U.S. she immediately started working. Was able to apply for her residency and start working on bringing her childrent to the U.S. She met a man that would be my biological father. She did not marry him, as is custom in our culture because the man was already married as they soon found out in the courthouse. She did not believe in abortion and had me. She then met my stepfather who raised me. My mother had 2 children with him. They been married ever since. My mother never really had time to study and go to school. It was instilled in her for so long that she must work to bring food on the table, but she did instill that in her children. Go to school work hard. I followed her advice. I would go to school and at an early age I knew that my mother would not be able to help me with my homework. I realized that I knew more than my mother about school work at a very early age. I was embarrassed when I would hear other children say, "My parents helped me with this!" or during science projects. That was fun. My mother did not know what the hell I was talking about. When I graduated from high school, my stepfather, being of the old "curriculum" as I like to say, would say, you dont need to go to college. High school is enough to get a job. My mother would say, no, you keep going. I have to get a lawyer out of this family at least. LOL... funny cause she still thinks I am, even though I have explained to her what social work is. When I graduated from college, she was crying. I mean, really CRYING. I knew then that I had been worthy of what she had expected. Still till know, people ask me what do your parents do, I dont know how to respond. They are so much more than their work title is to me. Even though I have made it this far, I find it hard to relate to my family, my people. I have awakened somewhat and I see know that there are somethings that could change but questioning them would be a whole other chapter. Thats my shame.